Saturday, March 13, 2010

Coming to this Shanghai trip has made me think through a lot a lot. Sometimes i was wondering if coming here for 5 months is a good thing or not. This trip tests my patience, my desires, my emotions and my reactions towards many many things. I can say, it is not easy for me. The weather is very cold here. It is really not easy to live my life without anyone in this coldness. My heart couldn't take the pressure of loneliness. I cried every single day and night. I lost my appetite completely. I lost my confidence and I lost my mood towards every single thing. But, what can i do but to wait till the day I come home? I only can try to accept the fact that everything has changed in split seconds, from the moment i step onto the airplane.

What exactly has happened to me in just a week?
To my family, I am full of anticipation, hoping that they can come over during June, to celebrate my birthday. Seriously, I miss them a lot. I miss my mom's cooking, my dad's nagging, the sounds i always hear at home. I called my mom and i suddenly broke down. I suddenly missed my mom's voice so much. After hearing her voice, I want to hear it more and more. It is so addictive.

To my laogong, I was full of hopes and wishes too. Hoping that he can come over to give me a lil warmth because the missing feeling is way too strong. Sometimes i was asking myself, "is it really worth coming to this trip when we just celebrated our half a yr anniversary?" But i realised, i demanded too much from him. I am sorry laogong. Because I relied on him too much. Because i love him too much. Because i miss his presence way too much. The feeling was as though my world is breaking apart. How can anyone understand how i feel? But, i should at least feel appreciative that he is talking to me every single day and night just to make me calm down. my desperation is getting worst and worst each day. But no matter what, i wanna tell him that, I love you dear. I never regret knowing you and being with you. I hope you too.

This one week is really way too harsh for me. The weather is not helping, my mood is not getting any better. I lost my interest in every single thing. I am just desperately trying to find a way to make my broken heart heal. I am really lost.

I really feel so lost for the first time of my life.
There is no way i can survive for another 4 mths 2 weeks.
I need motivation.

Please help me. sobs.